Don't Most INTPs Have Borderline Personality Disorder?

Here Jordan Peterson says (at 4:03) the borderline personality disorder patient is able to "strategize, abstract, but not implement". Abstraction over implementation is another way of saying Ti-dom/Ne-aux, isn't it? 

I am an INTP with severe, textbook BPD. It always seemed to me that BPD is a what naturally happens to an INTP who is traumatized as a child. In fact, I'd wager BPD has a high occurrence among INTPs who are the most natural targets of those Fe-dom dumb-dumbs in grade school. 

Someone should really look into this. 

Having BPD is like being an emotional werewolf with bridge-specific pyromania.

It Was Bullying-Induced Body Dysmorphia All Along

I had a bit of a mutli-year breakdown followed by a few months of breaking through. I have come to realize that my decades-long obsession with lifting and hitting certain numbers were both symptoms of a very fractured psyche.

I am an ectomorphic introvert who skipped two grades early on in my academic career. I was (and maybe still am) the dream of bullies everywhere.

Middle-aging has forced me to relinquish my obsession (which had me turning to increasingly dangerous protocols to stave off the deleteriuos effects of aging on my ability to build and maintain muscle mass). I have freed up a lot of mental energy and learning time. It's as if my true, wiser, brainier self emerged from the husk of the bulked-up emotional monster I had become.

2018,02,17
Bench Press
45 x 12 x 2
135 x 6
165 x 3
175 x 2
185 x 3 x

Back Squat
45 x 12
135 x 6
225 x 3
245 x 4


2018,02,21
Bench Press
45 x 12
135 x 6
165 x 3
175 x 2
185 x 5, 3

Deadlift 405 x 1
Pullup @170 x 7 x 2
Dumbbell Row with 80-lb DB x 10 x 2

Second Day Back

Bench Press [ring fingers on rings]
45 x 12 x 2
135 x 6
155 x 6 x 2
165 x 6
175 x 2*

Pull Up @ 170-175 x 6 x 2

*Wasn't really being greedy for 175; just wanted to see how it felt. Usual big increases after layoff.

Back After Six-Week+ Break

Weight: 175 lbs

Bench Press [ring finger on rings]
45 x 10
135 x 5 x 3

Back Squat [no belt, no wraps]
45 x 10
135 x 5
185 x 3
225 x 5 x 2

Dumbbell Row with 60-lb DB x 10 x 2

Completely cleaned out and detrained. This is as weak as I get now and it's not quite as bad as I expected: a plate each side on the bench work sets and two plates on the squat work sets. With zero attempt at eating more than normal, I maintain a stable body weight of 170-175 lbs.

Taking a Break; 170-175 Lbs New Set Point

It's been a little over a month since I've trained. The respite was initially due to the trip to Northern Europe, but I lost my enthusiasm to train as my 42nd birthday approached and I considered my mounting health problems.

My kidney function has bounced back a bit, but it's still worrisome and far below optimal. Turns out that muscle-building takes a toll on the kidneys. And my blood pressure has been on the high side for as long as I can remember and that also hurts kidney function. Plus, I'm just getting older and my strength is overall declining.

But I have been watching a few lifting videos today and am reminded that I just love lifting, period. I like being stronger than average even if I cannot be among the strongest.

I am going to weak AF when I finally return to training, but that's okay. I have gotten a chance to let any lingering fatigue or joint stress dissipate. And I get to see how small and weak I am after not training at all for nearly two months; this will give me a very good idea of my body's new "set point". My set point in my 20's was 130 lbs. In my 30's it was 145 for the first have of that decade. Years of training have allowed me to be almost 175 without training. And my body fat percentage appears to remain low still. I am far from impressive, but I still look okay. I'm hoping that I can get back over 180 by training properly again.

Lastly, I am going to think equally in terms of muscle groups and of lifts in terms of focus, especialy since I am no longer a powerlifter and have zero desire to compete anymore. The breakdown I with which I will initially experiment is a four-day split with direct arm and ab work.

Bench and Squat

Bench Press [ring fingers on rings]
45 x 12
135 x 6
165 x 3
185 x 1
195 x 1
205 x 5, 3

Paused Bench Press 205 x 1 x 3
Incline Bench Press 135 x 8 x 2

Olympic Squat with light wraps [belt at 365]
45 x 12
135 x 6
225 x 3
275 x 2
315 x 1
345 x 1
365 x 1
375 x 4

Paused Olympic Squat [no wraps, no belt] 315 x 1
Hip Belt Squat Machine loaded with 130 x 8x 2

-notes-
I tried to train the bench yesterday evening, but my right shoulder still felt a little unstable. I got stuck with 175 on three tries, then decided to pack it in and head home. Tonight had to cover both press and squat and it went much better. Shoulder still hurting at a very specific point in the press, but I was able to gut out a good set. Couldn't match the feat in another set though. I did as well on squats as I could have hoped.

375 x 5 with wraps and belt

Squat and Assistance

Olympic Squat [belt and wraps at 335]
45 x 12 x 2
135 x 6
225 x 3
275 x 2
315 x 1
335 x 1
345 x 5 x 2

Paused Olympic Squat with belt 325 x 2
Hip Belt Squat Machine in flats 90 x 15 x 2

-notes-
Only weighed 180 today. I haven't had much appetite. Squats went okay. Swapped leg press for hip belt machine. Much harder on quads, particularly the vastus medialis. This is in keeping with my renewed focus on getting volume on the main lift followed by very similar variations, especially the paused version. Yesterday I only did the bench, the paused bench, and incline bench.

345 x 5 first set

345 x 5 second set

325 x 2 paused

Bench Press [ring on ring]
45 x 12 x 2
135 x 6
165 x 4
185 x 2
195 x 5 x 3

Paused Bench Press [ring on ring]185 x 3 x 3
 Bench Press [ring on ring] 205 x  3
Low Incline Press 135 x 5 x 3

-notes-
Decided on a upper-lower split with a focus on bench and squat. Got reminded that the bench is king of the upper body lifts. All the pressing musculature is feeling it now. I really hope I get back to working with over 225 very soon. Tomorrow I squat and leg press.

The Sad Results Are In

Weighted Chin Up @ 182
+00 x 4
+45 x 2
+70 x 1
+80 x 4

Conventional Deadlift
315 x 2
365 x 1
415 x 1
455 x 1
495 x miss [belt]
475 x miss [belt]

-notes-
Crushing disappointment. I am much weaker: no no no back squat down 65 lbs (440 to 375); tng bench down 50 lbs this cycle (275 to 225) and 90 lbs from peak (315 to 225); standing press down 20 lbs (175 x 3 to 155 x 3); chin down around 20 lbs (195+105 to 182+100).

Getting Weaker

Standing Barbell Press [suicide grip just inside rings]
45 x 12
105 x 4
125 x 2
135 x 1
145 x 1
155 x 1 *
135 x 7 [PR]

Close Grip Bench Press [suicide grip two inches inside rings]
45 x 12
135 x 6
175 x 3
205 x 1
215 x 1, 1+miss

Low Incline Fly with 25-lb DBs x 12 x 2
Seated Lateral Raise with 20-lb DBs x 8 x 2
Bench Press 225 x 1

-notes-
Very disappointing day. It turns out my bench has evaporated. I barely got 225 for a single at the end of the session. Looks like standing press and close griip were not enough to prevent bench decay.

Squat and Assistance

Olympic Back Squat with light wraps [belt at 325]
45 x 12
135 x 6
225 x 3
315 x 2
345 x 1
365 x 1
385 x miss
325 x 5 x 2

Paused Olympic Back Squat with belt 315 x 1 x 5
45-Degree Leg Press, Squat Style with light wraps 485 x 10  2

-notes-
Back was still fatigued and I lost 385 completely. I gave up and put on the belt and also got volume because my right quad needs the practice. Did a few paused singles afterward (still with belt this time) to reinforce getting tight and mastering the weight. I am reminded that paused squats are arguably the best assistance there is for the back squat. Nearly died after second set of leg press--truly a gut-busting movement when done for full range and for reps, much like the squat. And I was starving afterward.

First set of five with belt and light wraps

Second set of five with belt and light wraps

45-Degree Leg Press

Fasted Weight 180 + Perfect Knees

Fasted for 18 hours except for a cup of coffee with cream and sugar. Weighed 180.8 lbs.

Knees feeling like they are 20 years younger. Able to squat all the way down to pick up boxes with zero hint of pain. I'm sure it's the rolling out of adhesions in my left v. lateralis.

Should Have Waited Till Tomorrow To Squat (But At Least Creationist, Bigoted Pedophile Roy Moore Lost)

Olympic Back Squat with light wraps
45 x 12
135 x 6
225 x 3
315 x 2
355 x 1
380 x 1 [very good]
390 x 1 [very poor, back rounding]
375 x 1 with belt

-Notes-
I should have waited till tomorrow. Horrible session. Low energy. I think I need to start to making my training blocks shorter. Things start coming apart in the fourth week. But at least I got a solid 380 without a belt and with very light wraps (kept on all session); that's still a good bit over 200% of body weight. It's almost as good a ratio as when I did 440 at 194.

...I just realized I am not recovered from that max effort set of semi stiff legged pulls on Sunday...

Holding The Line

Woke up at 182.5 this morning and was looking the best I think I ever have in my life. At a ectomorphic 5'10" this weight looks ideal on my frame.

My line in the sand as far as weight is 180. If I dip below that, I will be extremely worried. I'm getting older; it's getting harder to keep my size and strength up where I want them.

I think my pecs are a little plumper looking than usual because of the recent isolation work -- the first I'd done in years and years.

I have been mercilessly attacking those adhesions in my left vastus lateralis (especially near the origin and just below the hip). I don't think it's an accident that my left knee is now completely normal looking and feeling. I can squat down with zero pain and hold an on-toes squat stance with no problem.

Pull with Hamstring Focus

Semistiff-Legged Continuous Pull [no belt]
225 x 10
315 x 6
365 x 3
405 x 2
425 x 1
440 x 5

Glute-Hamstring Raise x 2, 3, 3
Lying Leg Curl, levered 75 x 25, 115 x 10 x 2
Cambered Bar Curl 105 x 6

-notes-
Dug deep for the pulls. Rear right shoulder still hurting and was wrecked after pulls, so no upper body pulling.

Semistiff-Legged Pull 440 x 5

Press Day + Lighter But Stronger

Standing Barbell Press [suicide grip 1 inch inside rings]

45 x 10 x 2

105 x 5

125 x 2

135 x 1

140 x 1

145 x 6 [RPE 9.5]

Close Grip Bench Press [suicide grip 2 inches inside rings]

45 x 12 x 2

135 x 5

165 x 2

185 x 1

195 x 1

200 x 1

205 x 6 [RPE 10]

Low Incline Bench Fly with 15-lb Dumbbells x 20 x 3

Seated Lateral Raise with 10-lb Dumbbells x 15 x 3

Static Lateral Hold with 5-lb Dumbbells x 10 seconds x 2

-Notes-

Today's press almost matches the 145 x 5 x 2 I did on 10/25/2017 when I was ten pounds heavier! I weighed 181 when I got home today. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around that. I can't believe the presses are behaving so well as I lose weight. 

Close Grips were good too with 20 lbs for the same reps over last week. I want to hit 225 for five next week. That should be putting my competition grip bench (which I will rarely do) at a pretty good spot, like 225 x 8 or so. I bailed on dips today because my right shoulder just seemed to have had enough after the close grips.

The isolation work today was for aesthetics and balance. I want to get some volume directed to the upper chest and to the medial delts. My shoulder/chest circumference is already on the high side at over 52", but I wouldn't mind getting just a tiny bit wider. 

Standing Barbell Press 145 x 5

Close Grip Bench Press 205 x 6

This Is Why I Love Wraps

Wraps are not cheating; they are a legitimate tool, like a squat/deadlift belt. When used judiciously both wraps and belts will enhance training and/or recovery.

I am using wraps this cycle and my knees are loving it. The day after a very difficult squat session, I have zero knee pain. I am able to crouch. The effusion that has been plaguing my left knee for a week is almost gone. Without the wraps that effusion would have gotten worse. I know this from many trials over many years.

Weighed 182 midday. It looks like I could legitimately lift in the 82.5 kg class if I were to compete again. Sigh. At least I will hit a triple bodyweight deadlift soon now that the bar is so much lower. I can legitimately no no no Olympic squat a bit more than double body weight right now.

Squat and Assistance

Olympic Back Squat [light/loose wraps at 45, belt at 385, heavy wraps at 390]
45 x 12 x 2
135 x 6
225 x 3
275 x 2
315 x 1
345 x 1
365 x 1
375 x 1
385 x 1
390 x 3

45-Degree Leg Press, squat style [loose, light wraps] 445 x 12 x 2
Hip Belt Squat Machine with 90 x 10 x 2
Seated Leg Extension, lever 55 x 20

-Notes-
I should have used 375 for the work set, but I really wanted to use 375 as a test for my beltless squat with light wraps/knee sleeves. I will go up to 405 for the belt and heavy wrap sets for the rest of the cycle and try to get multiple singles and then doubles with it. But I should do some back off volume after the heavy stuff.

I was unusually aware of my right quad during the squats. I felt it "kick in" on almost every ascent over 225.

Lastly, my light wraps were so loose that I was able to keep them on the entire session until it was time to change out to the heavy wraps for the work set. It was the coldest day so far this fall in Northern  California and my left knee still had fluid in it. So I had to keep my knees warm and provide some support at the bottom. I will be doing this a lot from here on.

375 @ 185 very loose wraps, no belt

390 x 3 @ 185 belt and heavy wraps